I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
3pm strippers are depressing
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
