i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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