Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
