if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Farmville is her only friend.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
This baby is an asshole
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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