the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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