Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
