would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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