Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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