I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
