did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
