im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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