I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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