Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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