so that wasnt chicken after all
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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