I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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