I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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