I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
