are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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