It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
