just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
