there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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