I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
