Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
