I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
