He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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