I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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