my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
