My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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