I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
