I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
