The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
