for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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