i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
