I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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