:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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