how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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