I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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