All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
