If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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