i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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