Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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