My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
