Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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