i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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