Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
