We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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