i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
