i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
