Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
