my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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