I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
